Funny Short Jokes Photos Pictures Images: Short Jokes Of The Day

Short Jokes Of The Day History

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

One day after a few beers, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard

for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and

unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving

Forwarded by Marge B. Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

A snake slithers into a tavern and the barman says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."

"Why not?" asked the snake.

The barman says, "Because you can't hold your liquor." Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

A man goes into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he drank the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "great shirt".

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the barkeep. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," said the bartender.

"What???"

"You heard me," said the barman. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."

Forwarded by Mike O. Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

Two vampires walk into a pub and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of fresh blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the second.

"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite." Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No,".

A few minutes later, the dog took a huge hunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man said.

"That's not my dog," was the reply... Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

A string goes into a bar and they won't serve him. So this upsets the string and it goes to a shrink. Since there's a little S & M in its background, it ties itself up, then tries to go into the same bar that would not serve him before. The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"

The string replies, "No, I'm a Freud knot." Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a draft beer.

Looking around, he sees five men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and she was wearing a tight sweater. Man, she has big boobs!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say anything. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker dude and would fight anyone.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still doesn’t say a word.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!'

At this point the biker gets up, takes the drunk by the back of his coat, looks him square in the eyes and says...

'Grandpa, you need to go home, you're drunk' Share/Bookmark

Bar Jpke of the Day

Two women go out one night without their husbands. As they came back, just before 2am, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and very drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to wipe herself with, so she took her underwear off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my underwear..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The next morning, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that our wives were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her underwear..." The other one said, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you." Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

Greg and Monica were on their way home from a party one night and Greg got pulled over by the police. The officer told Greg that he was stopped because his back tail light was burned out. Greg said, "I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right ASAP."

Just then Monica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you five days ago to get that tail light fixed."

So the officer asked for Greg’s license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license is expired."

And again Greg apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Monica said, "I told you a month ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, Greg is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Monica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Monica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Monica replied, "only when he's drunk." Share/Bookmark

Bar Joke of the Day

A Greyhound bus was in route from Dayton, Ohio to Gary, Indiana. The bus had been chartered by a group of deaf/mute people on their way to a convention.

When the driver reached the half-way point he decided to stop at a passing bar so his passengers could have lunch and use the restrooms. The driver had an ulterior motive as well and wanted to slip away for an hour to see an old girlfriend he had in town.

He explained to the bartender that they would all have a hamburger with French fries for lunch. He then explained that they his new customers couldn’t hear or speak but if one of them slapped their hand once on the bar in meant they wanted a beer and if they slapped their hand twice on the bar it meant they wanted a shot and a beer.

The bus driver slipped out the door to meet his old girlfriend and the bartender served lunch. After lunch if a customer slapped his hand once on the bar he gave them a beer and if the customer slapped his hand twice on the bar he gave them a shot and a beer.

This code worked out fine and the bartender was happy with his new crowd of easy to please customers.

After about an hour passed all his new customers started to pound on the bar in unison. Not one or two slaps on the bar but multiple hard then soft then hard slaps.

Just as the bartender was scratching his head the bus driver returned and looked sadly at his passengers. He then looked at the bartender and said, “now that you got them singing I’ll never